The "Shy" Child

The topic of  the "shy child" is a touchy subject, among parents. In fact, it is a subject that is often better left untouched if you ever want to be spoken to again by any member of that family.

After thirty-five years in children's ministry and having raised two children (and having been a child myself) I've seen many "shy" children.

So why am I even approaching such a sensitive subject?

A recent Sunday at church prompted me to try to lift the veil of silence that has shrouded this subject for a number of years now.

One of  our families was dropping off their twins in the toddler room. The twins are not quite two, and struggle with being separated from mom. Not uncommon, many parents are quick to tell you that the child will stop crying in a few minutes (which they do).

On this particular Sunday the older brother (a six year old), looked at the teacher and said of his little sister (one of the twins), "It's alright. When she is afraid she gets like this. She'll be fine as soon as she isn't afraid." Precious, yes. Telling, definitely.

Obviously his goal was to help the teacher understand why his little sister was backing away from the gate that she has entered many times before, each time with the same response. His heart was in the right place but his words where not only a means of explanation to the teacher but also an "excuse" for little sister. More than likely his parents had used the same words to help him understand her "shyness".

Yes, I know. I have your attention now. "Excuse", you ask. "How harsh", you say. Let me explain.

My childhood was rough in many ways, not to mention, I was "shy". No one ever told me that I was "shy" but I knew that I struggled with being open and talkative like other little girls around me. So often I felt out of place thus leading me to find one person to feel safe with and that would be my one and only friend. From kindergarten to sixth grade I had one friend, the same friend, all those years. If she was sick or wanted to play with a group of children, I sat on the fire escape alone.

Being "shy" can be a very lonely world.

As a teen and young adult I stayed in the same pattern. One close friend that I met at church, in seventh grade.

Fast forward to marriage. Now the closest person to me, my husband, is also someone who is "selective" in who he makes friends with and tends to only have a couple close friends at a time. During our early years of marriage, we were close friends with my school chum and her husband.

Our children are born. We really had no idea of how we were responding to people or why, but now we where, by example, bring up "loners". And, I have to admit, using the "shy" card for my own little girl when she was very small.

It wasn't until we took a parenting class that we began to realize that "shy" was a "personality trait" called an "introvert". We also discovered that the "act of being shy" could be called "being rude". Also that many parents will say, "I'm sorry, she's shy" as a way to excuse the fact the child is choosing to ignore that someone asked a question or greeted their child and deserves a polite response but isn't about to get one, which can be embarrassing to us as a parent.

The main thing that I have noticed in those thirty-five years of working with kids is that the child is very quick to "own" the title of "shy" and will use it to his or her advantage.

Remember the little boy that I mentioned earlier? He was trying to inform the adults of why his sister was responding that way she was. I see that kind of response as crippling a child mentally and socially, so I am usually quick to respond. My response was, "We shouldn't say that in front of her, it will give her an excuse to continue to respond that why. Instead we should encourage her to be brave and pray for her."

The reason for writing this was his response. He said, "Oh. That makes sense. Let's do that."

A six year old got what most adults don't.

Let's take a quick look at helping the "shy" child,

1) Your child may be a natural born introvert but that is not an excuse for rudeness. Encourage the the child to politely respond to people who are speaking to him or her. If her or she is not taught to be polite and see others as having value, then the world will continue to revolve around him or her closing out many wonderful people and opportunities.

2) Keep in mind that the introvert must learn to live and work in the real world. You may choose to make excuses for the child and think of it as protecting him or her but the truth is you are not helping him or her, in  fact in many ways, you are crippling the child socially. He or she does not need to be the "life of the party" but if the child is to get and keep a job (and friends), he or she will need certain people skills.

3) Use words of encouragement instead of excuses. Never say, "He's shy" or "She's shy" in front of your child. If he or she is truly an introvert and you want others to be aware of why the child seems to shut down when around others, tell those people in private. Then give those who want or need to interact with your child some clues, phrases, or subjects of interest to the child to allow them to ease into a conversation or basic interaction with your child.

When the child chooses to ignore those seeking to interact with your child, ask for forgiveness for the child and tell them that your family is "working on helping him respond toward others in a more positive way". It has now become a teaching time for you as a parent. Sit with the child and talk through what happened and what should have happened and how it should go next time.

Remember that the definition of "encouragement" is to "to put courage into" and we all need that from time to time.

4) As mentioned above, set up "scenarios" for the young child as a way of "coaching" him or her. It is better to teach in "non-conflict" times. If your daughter has on a new dress, tell her that morning that people are going to notice her pretty new dress and comment on it and she needs to be prepared to respond politely to them. "Thank you" is a good starting point.

Why bother? Is it really worth the struggle. Is it a hill to die on? When it is for your child's mental and social health, Yes it is!

I know a number of families who have adult children who are painfully "shy". These young adults were given a "label" as a child and it has been used for years as an excuse for not trying to train the tender heart to be others focused.

I also know families who have children with social disorders who have worked very hard to help their son or daughter develop into the best adult he or she can be. Even though you notice that the young adult does not quite respond like "everyone else", you do notice an effort being put forth to properly respond when engaged. And when you learn what that person has had to deal with and how his or her parents have helped their child grow into a functioning adult that struggles, but works hard to be polite to others, you feel a sense of pride for those brave parents.

One last but very important point for Christian parents to keep in mind is that God has called all of His children to be witnesses. If a "shy" child grows into a "shy" adult there will be difficulty in sharing what Jesus did to secure salvation, and therefore it may hinder your child's ability to fulfill the clear call God has placed on our lives to "go and make disciples" (Matthew 28:19).