The "Shy" Child

The topic of  the "shy child" is a touchy subject, among parents. In fact, it is a subject that is often better left untouched if you ever want to be spoken to again by any member of that family.

After thirty-five years in children's ministry and having raised two children (and having been a child myself) I've seen many "shy" children.

So why am I even approaching such a sensitive subject?

A recent Sunday at church prompted me to try to lift the veil of silence that has shrouded this subject for a number of years now.

One of  our families was dropping off their twins in the toddler room. The twins are not quite two, and struggle with being separated from mom. Not uncommon, many parents are quick to tell you that the child will stop crying in a few minutes (which they do).

On this particular Sunday the older brother (a six year old), looked at the teacher and said of his little sister (one of the twins), "It's alright. When she is afraid she gets like this. She'll be fine as soon as she isn't afraid." Precious, yes. Telling, definitely.

Obviously his goal was to help the teacher understand why his little sister was backing away from the gate that she has entered many times before, each time with the same response. His heart was in the right place but his words where not only a means of explanation to the teacher but also an "excuse" for little sister. More than likely his parents had used the same words to help him understand her "shyness".

Yes, I know. I have your attention now. "Excuse", you ask. "How harsh", you say. Let me explain.

My childhood was rough in many ways, not to mention, I was "shy". No one ever told me that I was "shy" but I knew that I struggled with being open and talkative like other little girls around me. So often I felt out of place thus leading me to find one person to feel safe with and that would be my one and only friend. From kindergarten to sixth grade I had one friend, the same friend, all those years. If she was sick or wanted to play with a group of children, I sat on the fire escape alone.

Being "shy" can be a very lonely world.

As a teen and young adult I stayed in the same pattern. One close friend that I met at church, in seventh grade.

Fast forward to marriage. Now the closest person to me, my husband, is also someone who is "selective" in who he makes friends with and tends to only have a couple close friends at a time. During our early years of marriage, we were close friends with my school chum and her husband.

Our children are born. We really had no idea of how we were responding to people or why, but now we where, by example, bring up "loners". And, I have to admit, using the "shy" card for my own little girl when she was very small.

It wasn't until we took a parenting class that we began to realize that "shy" was a "personality trait" called an "introvert". We also discovered that the "act of being shy" could be called "being rude". Also that many parents will say, "I'm sorry, she's shy" as a way to excuse the fact the child is choosing to ignore that someone asked a question or greeted their child and deserves a polite response but isn't about to get one, which can be embarrassing to us as a parent.

The main thing that I have noticed in those thirty-five years of working with kids is that the child is very quick to "own" the title of "shy" and will use it to his or her advantage.

Remember the little boy that I mentioned earlier? He was trying to inform the adults of why his sister was responding that way she was. I see that kind of response as crippling a child mentally and socially, so I am usually quick to respond. My response was, "We shouldn't say that in front of her, it will give her an excuse to continue to respond that why. Instead we should encourage her to be brave and pray for her."

The reason for writing this was his response. He said, "Oh. That makes sense. Let's do that."

A six year old got what most adults don't.

Let's take a quick look at helping the "shy" child,

1) Your child may be a natural born introvert but that is not an excuse for rudeness. Encourage the the child to politely respond to people who are speaking to him or her. If her or she is not taught to be polite and see others as having value, then the world will continue to revolve around him or her closing out many wonderful people and opportunities.

2) Keep in mind that the introvert must learn to live and work in the real world. You may choose to make excuses for the child and think of it as protecting him or her but the truth is you are not helping him or her, in  fact in many ways, you are crippling the child socially. He or she does not need to be the "life of the party" but if the child is to get and keep a job (and friends), he or she will need certain people skills.

3) Use words of encouragement instead of excuses. Never say, "He's shy" or "She's shy" in front of your child. If he or she is truly an introvert and you want others to be aware of why the child seems to shut down when around others, tell those people in private. Then give those who want or need to interact with your child some clues, phrases, or subjects of interest to the child to allow them to ease into a conversation or basic interaction with your child.

When the child chooses to ignore those seeking to interact with your child, ask for forgiveness for the child and tell them that your family is "working on helping him respond toward others in a more positive way". It has now become a teaching time for you as a parent. Sit with the child and talk through what happened and what should have happened and how it should go next time.

Remember that the definition of "encouragement" is to "to put courage into" and we all need that from time to time.

4) As mentioned above, set up "scenarios" for the young child as a way of "coaching" him or her. It is better to teach in "non-conflict" times. If your daughter has on a new dress, tell her that morning that people are going to notice her pretty new dress and comment on it and she needs to be prepared to respond politely to them. "Thank you" is a good starting point.

Why bother? Is it really worth the struggle. Is it a hill to die on? When it is for your child's mental and social health, Yes it is!

I know a number of families who have adult children who are painfully "shy". These young adults were given a "label" as a child and it has been used for years as an excuse for not trying to train the tender heart to be others focused.

I also know families who have children with social disorders who have worked very hard to help their son or daughter develop into the best adult he or she can be. Even though you notice that the young adult does not quite respond like "everyone else", you do notice an effort being put forth to properly respond when engaged. And when you learn what that person has had to deal with and how his or her parents have helped their child grow into a functioning adult that struggles, but works hard to be polite to others, you feel a sense of pride for those brave parents.

One last but very important point for Christian parents to keep in mind is that God has called all of His children to be witnesses. If a "shy" child grows into a "shy" adult there will be difficulty in sharing what Jesus did to secure salvation, and therefore it may hinder your child's ability to fulfill the clear call God has placed on our lives to "go and make disciples" (Matthew 28:19).

You Trust but Do You Serve?

"You trust but do you serve?" has been a question on my mind more and more lately.

I know many wonderful people who seem to know Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior, but I watch them being constantly distracted by the things of the world. It breaks my heart to know that the moth, rust, and thieves (Matthew 6:19) of this life will rob them of minutes, hours, and days that they could have given to God and to the building His Kingdom (Matthew 6:33).

Distractions, some are good, some are bad, some are amoral.

I am speaking to myself as well when I ask, "Is what you're doing so important to you that you skip over God in the midst of it?".

I get distracted by my "housework" and the pressure I place on myself to get it done (which seems to never be completed). I can  also become distracted by house repairs (painting and such) in the winter and my gardening in the summer. Before I know it, the day is gone and I tell myself I will start again tomorrow, as I crawl into bed and realize I spent away the day and never once thought about stopping to spend time with God in prayer or in reading His Word.

So may families today spend away so much of their time in the distraction of sports for their children. There are many reasons; some feel it makes their child more rounded, while others are looking for college scholarships to offset tuition. And yes, their are those who are trying to live out their own dreams through their children. Whatever the case, the problem comes in the distractions taking priority over God and His Kingdom.

What do I mean? What about the "You trust but do you serve?" question.

I started working in children's ministry at my church when I was thirteen years old, I am now in my late forties and still serving in children's ministry. In that time I have watched families fall apart. I have watched families spend most of the summer chasing vacation spot after vacation spot. I have seen families go from one "meet or tourney" to another as they travel the States for their child to "compete". I have watched as families see rain on a Sunday and decide it is just too "yucky" to go to church. Are you seeing a pattern here?

The pattern that I have seen (and that I am seeing with more and more families) is the lack of commitment to God that the distracted family has, especially when it come to the spiritual growth of their children.

Yes, I am a mother. My husband and I have two adult children. I can say that we as parents set a priority on going to church (each Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday evening), as well as serving together in the children's ministry each Sunday morning, and teaching parenting classes on Wednesday night. I am not looking to brag, but instead to make a point. We could have had our children involved in sports that engrossed all of our time or felt that certain days (Sundays included) were the only family time we really had or that the weekends during the summer were meant for the beach, but that is not the example we wanted to set for our children. We wanted our children to see that our top priority was God and honoring Him by serving in His church (which was our local body of believers).

You see, we have not only chosen to Trust Jesus as our Savior but we have also chosen to faithfully serve Him by serving others through our church body. And our children were there, watching on when they were young, and as teens, helping us as we did so. They are now serving in their churches, with their spouses and hopefully, one day with their children. Why? Because when we build the Kingdom of God, and we are seeking to honor Him with our lives, the moths, rust, and thieves of this world will gain nothing because our treasure with be secure with God and not invested on the fleeting moments of this world's distractions.

I am not saying that if you take a vacation or miss a Sunday once a month that you don't love God. But I am extending a challenge to serve and to let your children see you serve. If your child has an away game on a Sunday, strike up a spiritual conversation with the person next to you. If you're on vacation, find a local church and go as a family. If family time is limited due to crazy work schedules, give the time to God, go to church together, then trust Him to provide family time that will bring even more fulfillment and closeness.

God doesn't accept excuses. He says "...where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6:21).   Trust Him and Serve Him and take your children with you on the adventure!



 

On Forgiveness

Have you ever messed up?

Have you ever insulted, falsely accused, or simply upset someone else to the point that they shut themselves off from you?

I have done this more often that I care to admit. I would love to say, that my age, I have figured things out and I make few mistakes or that I rarely sin, but that is not the case.

My father was someone who kept people at arms length. He was critical and non-trusting. Sadly, these poor examples became part of who I am as well. Because of these taught behaviors I find myself insulting, accusing, and upsetting people through being to honest or by being over sensitive about their mistakes and behaviors. Many people can overlook and easily dismiss the faults of others where I tend to dwell on them and as I over think the situations, I find myself backing away from someone and even avoiding them, as well as complaining about the flaws I see in them.

My dad use to tell me that I was thick headed and stubborn. It's true. When I am determined to do something, more than likely nothing is going to stop me. On the same hand it also means that I struggle to make needed changes. This is not good when it comes to making things right with those I have offended or that have offended me.

The fact is I offended someone recently. I chose to tell a third partly about a situation, who in turn went to that person, thus causing the offence. In their upset state, the offended person chose to go to a fourth party and shared the grievance (causing even more problems). Yes, lots of mistakes where made by each of us but I realized that my focus needed to be on me because I am accountable to Him for my actions and not for theirs.

So what happened? Well, I knew that I needed to apologize for my part of it, especially since I am the one who started the cycle of mistakes we each hard a part in. I felt it best to write a note that apologized for my part as far as it concerned the offended party and myself.

Normally, I would have just avoided the person but lately, as I have been praying more about my lousy default methods, God laid a verse on my heart that prompted me to try to make amends. Romans 12:18 "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men."  

Boom, straight to the heart, my heart and the heart of the issue! Living at peace with others cannot be done in a strained relationship where bitterness, anger, and distrust take up residence.

It is hard to admit when we are wrong. It is even harder to admit that to another person. To live at peace will mean making peace, which may include asking forgiveness  What the other party does with the apology is between them and God.

How I move forward and respond to a person I offend or that offends me is between me and God. I need to examine my motivations and, leaving pride behind, I need to respond to them as God would have me to, in love.

Hard? Yes! Necessary! Yes!

How about you? Do you have someone that you need to make things right with? Have you responded poorly and know that it is going to be hard to ask forgiveness? Pray and ask God to soften your heart so you can apologize. Pray that the heart of the one that you need approach will be soften so he or she will receive your apology. Ask God to set up the circumstances in a way that makes it easier to approach the offended. Don't put it off to long, it only gets harder.

Once you have done your part, be prepared to let God work in that person's heart. They can forgive you or they can chose not to forgive you, it is not your decision to make for them. If, like me, offending others seems to happen often, stay in prayer that God will make you aware of your words and responses so it happens less and less allowing you to "live at peace" with others.