Until that point, our daughter had been our "social butterfly". Whether at the park, on the soccer field, at church, or on an outings with other home school families, our daughter enjoyed time running, playing and talking with other children.
I can still remember one day at the playground when she came running toward me, with great excitement, to share that she had a new friend. When I asked want the name of this new friend was, she simply said, "I don't know" and off she ran to continue playing with her new bestie.
The year before she entered fourth grade, her father, who is a a teacher, taught the students who she would be joining. Our thoughts were that it would make it so much easier for her because the class knew and liked her father.
We could not have been more wrong. A couple of the "leaders" in the group were girls who decided, for whatever reason, to isolate our daughter. She was being ignored and excluded and she knew it.
Her only friend that year was another "new girl" who's father had joined the teaching staff. Our daughter and this young lady met during the summer and became friends. She also felt the brunt of being rejected by the "popular girls" who had the power to set the tone for all the other girls in the class.
Every evening, for a year, our daughter came home in tears.
Our hearts broke. How could children be so cruel? Our daughter was a sweet, kind girl. How could someone not like her and instead chose to turn others against her?
Praise God that He directed us at that time. Instead of trying to "make her feel better" by ridiculing or demeaning the "bullies", we affirmed her as a person in positive ways. Today she is a strong person. She knows who she is in Christ and she has a heart for the "underdog". That difficult time made her a better person.
Recently, I have had the opportunity to watch a mother and father interact with their three small children. They stand out from others around them because the children seem to have such a hard time interacting with other children and the authority around them.
One thing I noticed was how they "affirm" the children.
One evening, after a meeting, the mother entered the room where the group of children were being cared for, only to find her oldest daughter break down in front of her as she ran into her arms. With out a word from the child, mom began to comfort the child with these word, "I knew this would be hard for you. There are so many people back her. I knew you would have a hard time."
Mom had just affirmed the child - but to what end?
Why is this even a concern? My fear is that this child is more likely to grasp an "excuse" and not take hold of a means of "dealing" with circumstances. (Proverbs 22:6)
Each "excuse" builds on the next. In the same manner, each time a child learns to "deal" with a circumstance, beyond their control, it builds on the next. That is how we move toward positive results in our affirmation.
Children are smarter than they are given credit for. When they find the easier road or shortcut, they will take it because it means less responsibility and possibly more attention from those around them. Children will gladly remain "babies" for as long as they can to avoid growing up. They will cry, whine, throw fits, and make you feel sorry for them, all as a way to avoid work and/or getting in trouble.
How will they learn to be who God created them to be if we as their parents and guardians do not help them to work hard, to take responsibility, to share, to be kind, to be polite, to be respectful, to be obedient? And the list goes on.
Is what the mother mentioned above wrong? Yes, only because she did not take the next step - that of building confidence in her child. It is as simple saying, "I knew this was going to be hard for you but you did it, you stayed the whole time and were brave. I'm proud of you. Next time, you'll do even better. Wipe your tears. You did good." In this way, the mother would have affirmed the feeling of fear but would have also affirmed in the child that her mother trusts her enough to do even better next time.
We must train and we must teach our children (Deuteronomy 6:4-9) . We must help our children grow physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially. Their future is in our hands. They are God's gift to us and He has placed them in our home for a reason. Let's seek His help to raise up children who will follow Him and do His will and let's learn to affirm toward positive results.
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